Shortchanged and shortribbed

Today it's my birthday, and I have determined the second worst date for one's birthday to fall upon - the worst being christmas, of course. Today is the day Canada competes in the olympic gold medal hockey game, effectively eclipsing the equally triumphant and momentous occasion that was my vaginal-forthcoming. Way to steal my thunder, dedicated athletes. Pfft.

I thought about making myself a cake until I caught a glimpse of my cat, which brought on an irrepressible shudder of disgust as I likened myself to a lonely spinster. Not surprisingly, I passed on the cake and spent the rest of my afternoon completely wasted watching hockey and eating short ribs instead.

short ribs a la ..uh..birthday:

2 kg beef short ribs
2 carrots, onions, and celery stalks - all finely diced
2 bird chilies, thinly sliced
5 cloves of garlic, minced
2 tbsp grated ginger
1 tsp ground allspice
1/2 tsp ground cardamom
3 bay leaves
1/2 tsp ground black pepper
4 tbsp brown sugar
salt to taste
1 bottle of beer
4 cups beef stock
3 tbsp tomato paste
approx. 3/4 cup of flour
2 tbsp corn starch mixed with about 1/4 cup water

Season the meat with salt and pepper, heat up some olive oil on medium heat in a heavy pot or dutch oven, and dredge the beef in flour. Shake off the excess, and brown the ribs on all sides in small batches. Add the mirepoix (onion+carrot+celery) to the rendered fat in the pot and cook until tender, around 5-7 minutes. Dump in the ginger, garlic, chili, tomato paste and spices and stir that bastard up good.



Continue cooking for a couple of minutes, then douse with beer and stock. Add the brown sugar as well as some salt to taste and once the slurry has returned to a boil you can stick those ribs back into the pot, reduce the heat to low, and simmer the whole damn thing covered for 1 1/2 - 2 hours, or until your meat is super tender. Remove the ribs, pour in the corn starch suspension, and whisk while it thickens up a bit for 5 minutes or so. Put the meat back into the braising liquid and you're ready to turn 22 years old - drunk and pantless.

Just for your entertainment, here's a succession of images depicting peter's hilarious drunken fidgetyness during overtime.

Pot-pie-palooza

I don't remember eating out much as a kid, and it didn't really become a regular thing until I was about 15. My parents were cheap, I wasn't a picky kid, and my mom was a pretty goddamn good cook. One place I do remember eating at every couple of months was this crappy family restaurant called "friendly banners". I specifically remember heading there after church (back when we were kidding ourselves into going to church), perhaps to purge ourselves of godliness via grease and jello bar. Mom was a wildcard, but dad always got fish and chips and I always got a chicken pot pie. Now I kind of cringe thinking about that place, but my love of all things pie-related remains, so here's my recipe for veggie pot pie. If you're not dealing with a boyfriend hell-bent on healthy living you could do the right thing and add in some meat, just season it up and brown the bits over high heat before adding into the sauce with the veg. This amount of dough and filling will make a dozen 5" diameter pies.
1 large parsnip
3 large carrots
1 large onion
1 stalk celery
2 tbsp thyme
5 cloves of garlic
3 medium potatoes
(high-starch varieties hold up better, I like yukon gold)
1 cup of corn nibs
11/2 tbsp rendered duck fat (mmm or bacon fat)
3 tbsp flour
4 tbsp butter
2 cups milk
1 cup chicken stock
2 tsp hungarian paprika
1/2 cup chopped garlic chives (or herb of your choice)
s+p to taste

Dice up all of the veggies to your liking, and then heat up a laaarge pan/wok/pot/whatever and dump in the first 9 listed ingredients. I love using duck fat because - come on now - vegetable flavour just doesn't cut it for me. The extra layer of savoriness is extra nice, as is the excuse to cook duck every month in order to support my habit. Cook over high heat until the carrots and parsnips are softened, but don't worry about the potatoes just yet. Season with salt,pepper, paprika, and set aside in a bowl. Use the same pan/wok/pot/whatever to make the bechemel sauce by melting the butter and adding in the flour (ooh, aaah, a roux). Cook it through for a couple of minutes to avoid that nasty raw flour taste, then whisk in the milk and stock. Continue to whisk until thickened, then add in the vegetables you've previously put aside. Season once again and then simmer over medium-low heat until the potato bits are fork-tender. Make sure that you taste your concoction after cooking because potatoes have a tendency to absorb salt, so you may need to season it further. Stir in your chives, put the whole thing outside to cool, and use this time to prep your pie shells.

Here's a really easy, generic recipe for all purpose pie crust - the trick to making it flaky and delicious is keeping everything cold cold cold. So chill your butter, your flour, and your water.
2 2/3 cups of flour, plus extra for dusting
1/2 lb butter (go to hell, marathon-running-boyfriend)
approximately 1/2 cup iced water
1 tbsp sugar
1/2 tsp salt
Cut the butter and flour+salt+sugar together into a sort of fine granola kind of texture. If you own a food processor or pastry blender, life is easy for you my friend. Grab your ice water and pour in a little at a time while mixing, the dough should not be wet and super sticky - you want to use just enough water for the lot to come together. Separate into two pucks (I split it 1/3 for the pie tops and 2/3 for the pie bases) and stick in the fridge to chill for 30 minutes or so. Although this is pretty simple, making anything with copious amounts of flour seems like a huge production to me, so I usually make a whole bunch of dough at once and then keep it in the freezer for future use.
Once you've got the dough figured out, partition each of the 2 portions into 12 equal parts each. Roll them out and lay into the tins. Scoop in some of the cooled filling, roll out a top crust, pinch shut and then brush with egg wash (just an egg beaten with some water or milk). Cut a steam vent and, if you're disgustingly domestic like myself, you can sprinkle some finishing salt on top just to make them look nice. Bake in a 400 degree oven until the crust is brown and cooked through - about 20 minutes. Voila, you have a meal comforting enough to ease you through the weeks of VANOCouver.

Seared pork tenderloin with caramel sauce and candied onions

Yo holmeses, after telling you guys that I would get this thing started like, 3 effin' weeks ago my plans have finally come to fruition. Now I'll be posting my cookery with some degree of regularity so as to not have to answer your questions with chronic ambivelance. I will provide you with some recipes dotted with my cynicism and love for vintage pornography. Keep in mind that I am no chef, and I don't usually measure stuff as I go. In other words, take my advice with a grain of salt (harhar) and tinker with the recipes to your liking (duh).

I don't really cook pork tenderloin often - to me it has always kind of seemed like the garbage part of the pig. Christ, who cooks a section of delicous fatty animal which is exempt from said delicious fattiness!? When you're a composite mass of both Eastern Europe and South East Asia, that's a pretty big fucking problem. Well I have found a solution which does not involve overzealous basting nor (delicious) caulfat wrapped loglets of meat. I have yet to find another fuss-free recipe that renders the meat so juicy and flavourful.

1 medium onion, julienned
1/3 cup orange juice
2 tbsp lime juice
1/3 cup fish sauce
1/2 tsp black pepper
1/2 tsp white pepper
1 bird chilli, finely sliced
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup water
1 pork tenderloin

Dump the sugar and citrus juices into a small pot over medium-high heat and watch that bugger while it turns a nice amber-red colour. Keep your face away from the pot and add the water and fish sauce. Seriously, keep your face away, this kind of steam is not the secret to European beauty. Add the pepper, chili, and onions. Simmer for a couple of minutes and then turn off heat and leave the stuff to cool off.

Once cooled, clean up your pork tenderloin
and then stick it into a bag with the sauce. Leave it overnight - don't try to rush this, it gets seriously delicious and you need an ample dose of REM anyways (note: sleep, not alternative rock). Once you take the it out of the fridge, pat dry and observe the ring of candied flesh encasing the meat. My grade-school speculative skills tell me that this is probably why the meat stays so moist when cooked. Fyi I cut this guy in half prior to cooking because my pan is small, you could certainly do without. Preheat your oven to 425, and make sure that it gets there before you start putting shit into it.

Get an oven-proof pan good and ready with a couple tablespoons of oil with a high smoking point (not olive oil, I used peanut) and sear the pork on all sides until you've got some decent bark going. Because of its high sugar content this will happen really quickly, probably in less than 5 minutes for the entire thing, so don't step out of the kitchen. Once it's all brown and nice pour a little water into the pan, something like 1/4 cup, just to make sure you don't wreck your stuff by burning caramel drippings all over it. Stick the whole thing in the oven uncovered for somewhere around 15 minutes until it's cooked. DO NOT OVERCOOK! If you're not used to testing doneness by touch, get a meat thermometer and for christsakes test it a couple of times after the 10 minute mark. Keep in mind the meat will continue to firm up after removed from the heat. Take it out of the hotbox and cover with foil, let it rest up for 10 minutes.

Don't be a dummy and skip this step, otherwise the juices will leave the meat before entering your mouth. While it's resting, take your used marinade and reduce it down to about half over medium-high heat. I'm usually the last person to ask about food safety, but you'll want to make sure that this stuff has boiled down for at least 5 minutes. Finally, you can slice up your meat and top it with copious amounts of the now candied onions and caramel sauce. If you've cooked it nicely, the meat will have a very soft pink colour in the middle. If you overcooked it, you'll just have to enjoy this tastiness twice in order to uh..."hone your cullinary prowess".