Father knows be(ef)st

A few years ago my dad served me a pot roast which I was more than a little reluctant to try. Now, before I write anything more you should first know this: my dad is fucking awesome. He is an amazingly resilient person full of the kind of wisdom and old-country surlyness which one cannot acquire without having lived through multiple immigrations and life-endangering shenanigans. That having been said, he is a godawful cook. His past offerings have included red cabbage juice and maple-beansprouts, so you can understand my surprise when I was faced with something which was both delicious AND cooked by my pops. Unheard of! His original was done with lamb and without the rub, but the simplicity and "death by onion" technique remains in my recipe.

Armanowski pot roast

- 3-4 lbs beef chuck roast
-6 large vidalia onions, diced
(or whatever it takes to cover the roast given your meat and your cooking vessel)
-3 large cloves of garlic
-2 tbsp fresh rosemary
-12 pitted prunes
-2 tbsp olive oil
-1/2 tsp whole peppercorns
-Salt + pepper

Pre-heat your oven to 325 degrees and toss the diced onion with a 1/2 tsp of salt (you can always add more later if that isn't quite enough). Season your beef with salt and pepper, and don't bother remove the strings tied around the meat. Puree the garlic, 1/4 tsp salt, olive oil, rosemary, and prunes together with your weapon of choice. Ever seen a pile of bear droppings? That's pretty much the look you're going for. Put a little bit of oil on your fingers and proceed to smear the paste onto all sides of the beef, whence it should resemble a larger pile of bear droppings. Arrange a handful of onion for your roast to sit on at the bottom of a dutch oven or other heavy lidded cooking vessel and cover the meat with the remaining heap of onions and peppercorns. Place the lid onto the pot and leave it in the oven for 3 hours, or until good and tender. Don't worry about massive pungency from the onions, they lose their bite as they cook down and get surprisingly sweet.




No broth, water, or wine needed - that bit of salt you added to the onions will help bring out their own moisture and when you eventually uncover this awesomeness you will find it swimming in its own de-licious juices. Once cooked, Sweep any remaining onion from the top of the meat and brown it uncovered underneath a broiler for a little extra colour. Slice up the beef and serve it swimming in au jus. Props, dad. Serious props.

Shortchanged and shortribbed

Today it's my birthday, and I have determined the second worst date for one's birthday to fall upon - the worst being christmas, of course. Today is the day Canada competes in the olympic gold medal hockey game, effectively eclipsing the equally triumphant and momentous occasion that was my vaginal-forthcoming. Way to steal my thunder, dedicated athletes. Pfft.

I thought about making myself a cake until I caught a glimpse of my cat, which brought on an irrepressible shudder of disgust as I likened myself to a lonely spinster. Not surprisingly, I passed on the cake and spent the rest of my afternoon completely wasted watching hockey and eating short ribs instead.

short ribs a la ..uh..birthday:

2 kg beef short ribs
2 carrots, onions, and celery stalks - all finely diced
2 bird chilies, thinly sliced
5 cloves of garlic, minced
2 tbsp grated ginger
1 tsp ground allspice
1/2 tsp ground cardamom
3 bay leaves
1/2 tsp ground black pepper
4 tbsp brown sugar
salt to taste
1 bottle of beer
4 cups beef stock
3 tbsp tomato paste
approx. 3/4 cup of flour
2 tbsp corn starch mixed with about 1/4 cup water

Season the meat with salt and pepper, heat up some olive oil on medium heat in a heavy pot or dutch oven, and dredge the beef in flour. Shake off the excess, and brown the ribs on all sides in small batches. Add the mirepoix (onion+carrot+celery) to the rendered fat in the pot and cook until tender, around 5-7 minutes. Dump in the ginger, garlic, chili, tomato paste and spices and stir that bastard up good.



Continue cooking for a couple of minutes, then douse with beer and stock. Add the brown sugar as well as some salt to taste and once the slurry has returned to a boil you can stick those ribs back into the pot, reduce the heat to low, and simmer the whole damn thing covered for 1 1/2 - 2 hours, or until your meat is super tender. Remove the ribs, pour in the corn starch suspension, and whisk while it thickens up a bit for 5 minutes or so. Put the meat back into the braising liquid and you're ready to turn 22 years old - drunk and pantless.

Just for your entertainment, here's a succession of images depicting peter's hilarious drunken fidgetyness during overtime.